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MINI MAGIC PRESCHOOL TEACHERS MAP OUT STRATEGIES TO STEER CLEAR OF POWER STRUGGLES
Author: By Barbara F. Meltz, Globe StaffChild Caring Have you ever wished you could hide inside a cubby at your child's preschool and spy for a morning, just to make sure teachers aren't casting spells on the kids? What else, after all, could explain why teachers are able to bring children back into the fold calmly and quietly, without loss of self-esteem or a power struggle, while at home we back ourselves into corners, raise our voices, and say things we regret? The truth is, preschool teachers do work a kind of magic. First, they create an environment that is totally child-centered: Everything a 3- or 4-year-old can reach is not only safe for her to use but intended to bring her enjoyment. Secondly, they focus entirely on the children: With no dinner to cook or laundry to fold, teachers have no distractions. Unfortunately, even if we could create the same environment at home right down to the red rug for circle time, even if we could free ourselves of other responsibilities, it wouldn't be enough. "What teachers have that parents tend not to have is a repertoire of strategies to head off power struggles," says early childhood educator Ellen Galinsky. Power struggles are anathema to preschool teachers and should be to us, too. "As soon as you dig your heels in about how something has to happen, you take away what's most important to a preschool-age child: the ability to be autonomous, powerful, and strong, to do things himself," says Galinsky. She is president of Families and Work Institute in Manhattan and co-author of "The Preschool Years" (Ballantine Books). It's not that parents don't have coping mechanisms; the problem is we often inadvertently feed into a power struggle. To ensure success, she says, strategies need to be developmentally appropriate, tailored to the 3- and 4-year-old. Gerry Pedrini, director of the Sunshine Nursery School in Arlington, says, "You'll never see a good preschool teacher issuing loud commands or scolding, because that doesn't make a child feel good, and feeling good is what leads to autonomy." You'll also rarely see a timeout chair in a quality preschool; in a classroom setting, it's shaming. So what should we do? We asked directors of some of the area's leading preschools to share their strategies:
Offer a preschooler no more than three options; anything more is overwhelming. When choices are contained, a child accepts the boundaries and makes a selection. If he begins to negotiate -- "How 'bout the cookie before dinner?" -- stay on track: "That isn't one of the choices." Calmly repeat what they are. Early childhood educator Janet Zeller, director of the Tufts University Educational Day Care Center, says choices work well because they empower a child and defuse the issue at the same time. "When you tell him, `You can take the bath before we read a story or after,' he's in control of something desirable, the story, but not about what he doesn't want to do, which is the bath," she says. "It allows him to save face."
It's as if a preschooler has a button set to automatically respond negatively to that kind of language. "Reacting against it is one of the ways they separate," says Wagner, who is a professor of education and child development at Whittier College in California and director of Broadoaks Children's School there. Substitute "when" for "if" -- "When you pick up your toys, you can watch the video." That detoxifies your request by putting power in her hands, making it more likely she'll comply.
"Look for moments of goodness, even microscopic ones," says Chris Giguere, director of Lexington Playcare Center, a preschool in Lexington. Praise provides clarification for preschoolers, who aren't always clear about what we expect of them or what makes them good. Be as specific as possible.
He was spitting, she asked him to stop. When he didn't, she said, "I wonder if you're upset about something. You don't usually have spit coming out of your mouth." "I'm angry at Aunt Michelle," he said. Michelle had just arrived, diverting Grandma's attention. "If I had just gone after the spitting, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere," says Ucci, "but because I could address the source of the problem, the spitting stopped." Giguere says validating feelings is one of the most magical strategies she knows. "A child can be puffed up with anger, red-faced, ready to lash out, and you utter one sympathetic sentence -- `It's hard to wait your turn for a shovel, isn't it?' -- and it's like you popped a balloon: `You understand me!' They're so grateful. It's very powerful for them," she says.
"For every 10 things you think a child needs to do, only the safety related ones matter," she says. "Battles around food and clothes are almost always unnecessary. Why does it matter if he doesn't sit still at the dinner table?" Zeller asks. "Let him stand. Even let him come and go. What's more important: That a 3-year-old acts like an adult or that he gets the nutrition he needs? You're worried about manners? He's only 3! There's time for that." To one mother who was in shouting matches every day with her preschool daughter over clothes, Zeller asked, " `What do you care if she wears the same two outfits all year long?' It had never occurred to her that it didn't matter," she says.
Timing is critical. "Problem-solving doesn't work if the situation is too far gone," says Roberts. If you catch it early -- you see a child about to knock over a block tower and you can engage him in some other activity before he does -- then you can say, "Let me know when you aren't going to knock over Josh's tower." That tells him what he was doing wasn't good without shaming or humiliating him. It also puts control in his hands: "When I'm ready, I can play there again. It's up to me." A less tricky way to problem-solve is after things have calmed down: "I wonder what we could do next time Josh wants to build and you don't." This won't work if you're angry, cautions Roberts. "Then it sounds like punishment."
Her favorite strategy for getting out of a power struggle in a way that no one loses face is something she calls "hand over hand:" "We step behind a child, take his hand under ours and do whatever needs to be done together, like pick up a book. `We need to put the book away. Let's do it together.' Although a child may be unhappy, even crying, hand over hand is fast. It puts the incident behind you quickly," she says. "Then it's up to the adult to be able to move on." AFTERTHOUGHT -- The list of good and bad holiday toys put together by TRUCE (Teachers Resisting Unhealthy Children's Entertainment) is available by writing TRUCE, Box 441261, West Somerville, MA 02144.
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