abriel!
Yes boss!?!?
Step into my den. We've got a problem.
(Gabriel walks in while God is clicking back and forth between stations, catching the nightly news on American television).
See these guys, Gabe?
Oh, not again boss (Gabriel lets out a sarcastic yawn). Haven't you had enough of those guys running for the White House in America?
Actually, I have, Gabe. And that's where you come in.
Uh oh. Umm, boss, you're not thinking about interfering with the American elections are you? Remember the separation between church and state and heaven and earth? Besides, we haven't had many successes lately. Pharmaceuticals are still gouging elders, the World Wrestling Federation threw me out of the ring, and the ''Survivor'' cast voted me off of the island.
We have no choice, Gabe. Two of these four men are going to run America. They're all taking my name in, well, if it's not in vain, it's the wrong vein.
How do you mean, boss?
Over here, you have Al Gore saying that before he makes a decison he asks, ''What would Jesus do?'' Over here (click), you have Joe Lieberman saying ''As a people, we need to reaffirm our faith and renew the dedication of our nation and ourselves to God and God's purpose.'' Over here (click), George Bush says Jesus is his favorite philosopher, proclaims a ''Jesus Day'' in Texas, and says, ''Our nation is chosen by God and commissioned by history to be a model to the world of justice and inclusion and diversity.''
What's wrong with that, boss? Wouldn't we want a man of faith to lead the country instead of Jesse Ventura?
Haven't I gotten this through your head after 14 billion years, Gabe? There is a thin line between faith and fad.
Wait a minute boss, are you saying they're fakes?
No, Gabe, it's just that I am not impressed.
How's that boss?
You see Gabe, these guys talk a good game about God, but frankly, they sometimes behave more like Jim and Tammy Bakker and Reverend Ike. Over here, you have Bush born wealthy, born with connections, then talking about how he pulled himself up by his bootstraps. Then instead of spending his own money, he passed the offering plate to get the middle class and the poor to build a new baseball stadium that increased his holdings in the Texas Rangers. That's not my idea of tithing.
Over here you have Lieberman, who says the United States is ''the most religious country in the world,'' yet sometimes it seems he has two gods, me and G-ood O-ld D-ollars. He takes all kinds of campaign contributions from people who gouge and even hurt the middle class and the poor. He never met a pharmaceutical maker, insurance company, or defense contractor he didn't like. As head of the Democratic Leadership Council, he took money, lots of money, from Philip Morris.
I think I get your point, boss.
That's right, Gabe. Concerned that my memory may not be as sharp as it used to be after 14 billion years, I just did an Internet search, but I was right. As much as I tried, I could not find anything that said ''On the fourth day, God created cigarettes and publicly funded baseball stadiums.''
So what do we do, Lord?
Suit up, Gabe. We'll get you a press pass. You'll cover both presidential campaigns. Every time Gore talks about what Jesus will do, you raise your hand and ask, ''Mr. Vice President, do you ask that when you are looking over your Occidental stocks?''
Every time Bush says that Jesus Christ is his philosopher, ask, ''Governor, you believe in the death penalty. How does that square with Jesus' philosophy of forgiving all sins?'' Every time Bush says our nation is chosen by God to be a model to the world of justice, ask him how God would have thought about Texas being the nation's leading incarcerator.
Every time Lieberman urges Americans to reaffirm their faith and ''renew the dedication of our nation and ourselves to God and God's purpose,'' I want you to burst up to the front of the pack and get straight to the point and ask, ''Senator, is it God's purpose that drug companies can make the world's highest margins of profits for any industry while people are sick and diseased? And I have a followup. Is it also God's purpose for you or the organizations that you lead to take money from industries that produce cancer and heart disease?''
Whatever you say, Lord. But I have one question.
What's that, Gabe.
If I ask those kinds of questions, I will probably draw attention to myself. Who do I say I work for?
That's easy, Gabe. Just tell them you work for NPR, National Purgatory Radio. If they are really men of faith, that will get their attention.
Derrick Z. Jackson is a Globe columnist.
