or the next eight days I am the most powerful person on the planet.
Because I will determine who is elected president. Me. Moi! No one but yours truly. I get to pick who will lead the free world, whose policies will dominate the earth, who gets to appoint all the people who run the government, names all new federal judges, sets the rules and regulations, decides who fights where, and who gets bombed, who gets sent into harm's way, and whose head sits in your TV screens for the next four or eight years.
Who am I? I am Ralph. The King. Ruler of the political universe for the next eight days. No, I can't be elected president. But I decide who wins. There are 280 million people in America, but none of them have as much say as I do about deciding this election.
Not Bill Clinton. Not Al Gore nor George W. Bush. Not Bill Gates or Larry King. It's my call. And mine alone. No one can tell me what to do. I may only have 3 or 4 percent in the national polls. But I have 5 or 6 or even 7 or 8 percent in some states.
And that's all I need. That's the thin edge of the wedge that will pry this election one way or the other. Now I've even got TV ads up and running, thanks to Bush's pals at the Republican Leadership Council. I love it! They're using hundreds of thousands of dollars in Republican campaign contributions to run ads boosting me in Wisconsin, Oregon, and Washington.
With any luck, I'll get enough votes in Oregon and Washington to make those two states cliffhangers on election night. Everyone in the world will be watching at midnight to see how those two go, and my vote will determine them. And maybe a few more states.
It's the same sort of thing Bush's rich pals did to John McCain last spring. But, hey, politics ain't beanbag, right? And anything that helps me, well, it helps me, right?
If those fink liberals who keep asking me to help Gore only knew how much I despise them. ''Oh, Ralph, we gave you money, we voted for your programs in Congress, we got you prizes and honorary degrees, and now you're handing the election to the Republicans!''
See how they whine! So what if Bush wins? One guy's as bad as the other, that's my line, and I'm sticking to it. So what if Gore was Mr. Global Warming in Washington? I want to be Mr. Global Warming - worldwide! That's why I held that press conference last week saying, ''Al Gore is suffering from election year delusion if he thinks his record on the environment is anything to be proud of ... eight years of principles betrayed and promises broken.''
OK, so the Republican ads praising me don't use my line about Bush being ''a big corporation running for president disguised as a person.'' That's politics. Besides, who can claim I don't know how to use a sound bite?
And all these whiny women claiming I'll elect Bush and abortion will be outlawed and Roe v. Wade goes down the drain when Bush names the new Supreme Court judges. Abortion is not what's important. What's important is what I say is important: ''We're building a progressive political movement. That's the most important thing,'' I said Friday. ''Whether Gore or Bush gets into the White House doesn't mean that much, because the permanent corporate government in Washington is really determining policy.''
Okay, I have to say that, because otherwise the people who back me, by better than 2 to 1, would vote for Gore over Bush - but only if I let 'em. Besides, you have to stretch the truth in this business, even if you're an avenging archangel like me. And I'm not letting those summer soldiers off the hook.
I am Ralph, the conscience of America. It's only right if I say it's right. And I say it's wrong. Look at what I can do! The latest Minnesota poll gives Bush 41 percent, Gore 38, and I'm at 10! If I said ''Vote for Gore,'' I could personally deliver Minnesota to the Democrats! That's 10 electoral votes.
Look at Michigan! Two polls say my 3 percent there is the margin of victory. That's another 18 electoral votes.
I know I'm burning my bridges here with the Democratic Party. If they lose the House by a handful again, they'll blame me. I'll never get a sympathetic hearing from Gephardt and those people. And, I have to admit it, my Green Party people will get frozen out of any serious negotiations in the next Congress, for sure. But it doesn't matter if Bush is elected - because the Greens might as well move to New Zealand, for all we'll get out of that dope. Can you believe this chump?
He still doesn't believe in global warming - when we've got half a dozen multinational energy corporations volunteering to cut greenhouse emissions! But I'm still going to bleed Al Gore for every vote I can. Because my mission is like that US Army captain in Vietnam who told Peter Arnett:
''We had to destroy the village in order to save it.''
That's harsh, but it's true. If we are ever going to tear down corporate America, we've got to start this year by eliminating the Democrats, and turning the whole kit-and-caboodle over to the Republicans. The White House, the Senate, the Congress, the whole shooting match.
What do I really care if Bush gets to make 6,000 managerial appointments his first term? Or 600 Senate-confirmed Cabinet and sub-Cabinet jobs? Or the 1,500 jobholders exempt from Civil Service? Or the 600 more Senior Executive Service jobs?''
I don't care about jobs. I don't really care about which party runs the government. Because I'm in position to decide which man gets to be president. Me. Ralph. The biggest kingmaker of all time. Don't you love it? Mr. Outsider becomes the biggest Mr. Insider ever? Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
David Nyhan is a Globe columnist.
