OS ANGELES - While the anarchists slept in yesterday morning, Jeff Norman was on the stage in the protest pen informing an empty parking lot of his magical powers to calm people through the aroma emanating from his forehead.
Who knew?
Norman reported that he has had these uncommon faculties ever since he put his hand in a microwave oven a few years ago. The problem, he conceded, is that for best results his forehead should be about 2 inches away from the agitated target, who must then inhale the aforesaid aroma.
''It doesn't please me to tell you this, but some people seem to be nauseated by it,'' he said with sadness. ''They recoil in horror. I guess it's too intimate. It's too bad because they miss out.''
Norman's other idea for peace at 7 a.m. involved skipping - the thing Judy Garland did a lot of in the Wizard of Oz. ''People need to skip here,'' he maintained. ''I've never seen anyone riot at a skipping festival, and I've never seen anyone skip at a riot.''
No argument there.
Welcome to the early protest shift. Speakers Corner in London's Hyde Park it is not. While the protest stage schedule runs from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day of the convention, the hard-core contrarians don't arrive in force until late afternoon, which just happens to dovetail with the start of the network television convention coverage. Before then, we're pretty much dealing with a parallel universe.
This is a place full of arresting oratory from people like Norman or the woman earlier in the week who railed about the dark forces that tap into our brainwaves to control us. The figures on the edge of this tableau are memorable as well. There was the tick lady, whose costume reminded us of the the perils of Lyme d isease, the mysterious woman in the silver Spandex, and the guy running for president dressed as the Addams Family's Uncle Fester.
And, hey, who can forget Citizens Against Breast-Feeding?
''This primitive ritual has been and continues to be a violation of babies' civil rights!'' reads the outfit's manifesto. ''This reprehensible behavior teaches children illicit sex, subsequently manifesting addiction to promiscuity, homosexuality, and cybersex.''
Wow. That bad.
But enough about lactation; Jeff Norman is talking world peace. It is worth noting that while his aroma therapy is a show-stopper, its benefits are limited by the fact that he has only one forehead. As a result, he focuses on the skipping stratagem. ''I can't be everywhere at once,'' he reasoned. ''So skipping has a more far-reaching effect.''
The early shift has been as full of holes as it has been of passion. There are no-shows every morning, reports Lisa Turvey, officer in charge of the Special Events Planning Department of the Los Angeles Police Department, who is the de facto booking agent for the protesters. An extra hour's sleep apparently trumps the limelight after a heavy night of protesting.
Like the maitre d' at Le Cirque, Turvey has maintained a waiting list of speaker wannabes to tap when someone bails on their time slot. She began Monday with 11 on the list, and as of yesterday morning had accommodated all but three of them.
Turvey reported smooth sailing in the pen despite the scary video footage of Monday night's mayhem. ''Everybody has been wonderful,'' she said. ''No one has gone over their time.'' Some thanks goes to Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan, whose office donated a large wall clock that hangs on a pole near the stage.
But the dropouts snowballed as the week wore on, and they reached critical mass yesterday when the entire morning lineup after Norman took a powder. Chalk it up to convention fatigue. The no-shows included A Schmoo For You slated for 8 a.m. (it's anyone's guess on who or what that is), PSCHOD, another mystery guest, at 9:20, followed by the United Children Fund and the Alliance For Democracy. CRAP TV bailed twice earlier in the week.
The morning slide ended with the appearance at noon of Mark Selzer from the Libertarian Party, who merrily complained about our current drug enforcement policies. His audience numbered in the low tens.
''There seem to be more police here than there are people,'' he conceded. But like all true believers, he thought the experience was swell. ''It's good for me to get up and learn how to speak,'' he beamed.
Selzer was equally relaxed about the complete absence of his supporters. ''My activists are all burned out,'' he reported. ''Or else they couldn't find parking.''
