enator Edward M. Kennedy has decided he won't debate any of his challengers. To fill this void, we've imagined what it would be like if he actually faced Republican Jack E. Robinson and Libertarian Carla Howell in a televised exchange.
It might go something like this.
Moderator: Thank you, Senator Kennedy, for surrendering an hour of your incredibly busy and important life to be with us tonight. Of course, we, in the Boston news media, did not push you to do this, you understand that, right? But we are so honored by your presence.
Kennedy: Ah ... um, you're very welcome. You know, ah ... ahem, after, ah, what is it now, 38 years in the Senate, I figured I deserved ... um ... ah ... at least one bye in an election year. I guess ... er ... this is close enough.
Robinson: You can run, Teddy boy, like you did at Chappaquiddick, but you can't hide from me. I've got you now.
Howell: Excuse me, but can we talk about issues? I'd like to talk about the virtues of small government.
Robinson: Small government? You mean, no government, don't you? If you had your way, we'd all be living like ''Little House on the Prairie,'' home-schooling our kids and cleaning the rifle.
Moderator: Mr. Robinson, please.
Robinson: No, really. I'm for less government, but she's way out there. There she is, in her tailored suit, looking like a proper suburbanite, but she's a radical who wants to dismantle the government. For the record, I'm the official nominee of the Republican Party, and that's a real party, honey.
Kennedy: Ah, and a fine example of where the party's headed in this, er ... um, Common- ... ah, Commonwealth.
Robinson: Zip it, Mr. Member of the Old White Men's Club.
Moderator: That's enough of that, Mr. Robinson. Now, Mr. Robinson, why is it that the leaders of your own party have shunned you in this campaign?
Kennedy: That's, um, fairly obvious, ah ... isn't it?
Robinson: Hey, I've got two words for you, pal - Dike Bridge. Put that in your shot glass and drink it.
Moderator: Answer the question, please.
Robinson: OK, I will. Why? Governor Cellucci and his gang took a dive. They didn't want to upset His Royal Highness over there when the oatmeal hit the fan over the Big Dig costs. They needed a friend in Washington to protect the dough.
Moderator: Senator Kennedy. Please forgive me, but I must ask you this ... a question that all Massachusetts residents have been waiting for years for you to answer. Can you tell us about all the incredibly important things you've done for your constituents, your country, indeed, the world, during your unbelievably distinguished and productive tenure in the Senate?
Kennedy: Well, I'm, um, there's been a whole book written about my achievements. All that's been written about what Mr., um, Robinson's done, is in traffic citations or, ah, a restraining order. I'm, the, ah, Senate's foremost advocate for universal health care, um, the retarded, a great, ahem, defender of senior citizens, a champion of, oh, of opportunity for all Americans, regardless of their ... ah ... backgrounds.
Robinson: That's a reference to me, a black man, isn't it, Teddy? If I was a rich, white candidate like that pretty boy, Mitt Romney, we'd've debated three times, now, wouldn't we?
Howell: Can I get a word in edgewise here? I'd like to discuss our government's oppressive regulations concerning the rights of gun owners, in violation of the Second Amendment.
Robinson: Roger that, sweetheart. You may look like Betty Crocker, but you've got a few rounds there in the ammo clip. Too bad you're from the Liberian, or Librarian, or Liberace party. Or whatever it is.
Howell: Mr. Robinson - may I call you Jack E.? Our numbers are growing. More people are concerned about government intrusions into their daily lives, an erosion of their freedom.
Kennedy: Ah, Ms. Howell, I, um, ah, disagree. My whole life, ah, has been, er ... ah, dedicated, to the proposition that ... ahem, government ... can, oh, do just about, um, anything.
Robinson: Hahahahahahahaha. That's a good one. I became a millionaire without any help from the government, old man.
Kennedy: That's very hard to, um, believe, but, er, what, ah, a stirring testa-, ah, testament it is, to what a, a, a, great country we, um, live in.
Robinson: I'll tell you what's great, Teddy Bear. I'm the Republican Party nominee, and this is my 15 minutes of fame.
Moderator: Yes it is, Mr. Robinson, and now, your time is up.
