God. I look at this crew of people who want to follow me as president, and I could lick any one of 'em with one hand.
What a posse of palookas. They don't know if they're on foot or on horseback. George W.? He couldn't caddy for me on his best day. Forbes? Give me a break. I could take that geek and wrap his flat tax around his neck about four times before he even got his mouth open.
John McCain? He'd be a problem, I have to admit. I'd give him a good leaving alone all during the primaries. My hunch is the Republicans would never dare nominate a guy who's so tough on soft money and campaign finance. That money-raising advantage is why the Republicans control Congress to begin with.
But if McCain ever did get the nomination, I'd have to work harder, but I could still take him. I'm not saying this is a particularly weak field. They say that every four years, that the wrong people are running, and that the best won't try. What a lot of bull. The so-called best won't try because they can't take the heat. End of story.
Taking heat is what I'm good at. Best around, if I do say so. These idiots on the weekend talk shows blather about ''Clinton fatigue.'' If it wasn't for the 25th Amendment, I'd be running again - and I'd win!
My approval rating is still higher than Reagan's heading into his eighth year. You want to talk peace and prosperity? I can talk peace, and I can talk prosperity. I can go anywhere in the world, just about, and be hailed as the world leader who makes the good things happen. Well, I guess Greece is still a bit of a problem. But if I get half a break in the Middle East, and just a little more give in Northern Ireland, I'll walk out of here as the greatest peacemaker since Mr. Colt invented his .45.
Now, you want to talk about the economy? Be my guest. I cannot believe Al Gore never even mentioned how well New Hampshire is doing when he went up there to debate Bradley on TV. Unbelievable. That was even dumber than allowing word to get out that he had hired what's-her-name to advise his campaign for 15 grand a month. Was that unbelievable, or what?
The Clinton-Gore ticket carries New Hampshire, and every other New England state, not once, but twice! And Mr. Vice President never even mentions that the state has never been as prosperous as it is today. When I went up there against Paul Tsongas and Bob Kerrey in the last year of Bush's term, those people were just aching, and a lot of those old white clapboard houses badly needed a lick of paint.
Now they're all working, they've got health insurance and 401(k)s, and things have never been better. But do you think it ever occurs to Big Al to remind folks they've never had it better up there? Noooooo. But I'll just have to make sure Al gets the nomination. I learned my lesson when I lost the Congress in the '94 election: If you give your sworn enemies the power to investigate you, they're at your throat all day and all night.
No way do I want George W. and the gang that runs him the chance to beat up on me for four long years. Nope, Al's my man, even if he is kind of lame as a campaigner. Still, I'm pretty confident he can take Bradley. Those 800 superdelegates give him a huge head start on what he needs to take the convention.
He can even lose New Hampshire and still make it. I really can't see Bradley coming from the left and taking it from Gore. Health care? That's Bradley's big ticket item? Where was he when I was bleeding from every limb trying to get Congress to pass that? Pat Moynihan never could stand me. That's the trouble with those intellectuals. They can't stand it when someone as smart as them is better at politics too.
Same for Bob Reich, my old Oxford buddy. Some ''Friend of Bill.'' Well, Bob always was a ''soak-the-rich'' guy. Let them all flock to Bradley. We'll still nail it down for Gore. We've got labor, even though the AFL-CIO hates my trade policies. We've got plenty of business types, even though they'd slink back to George W. at the earliest opportunity, if I let 'em.
Fat chance. I'm going to be here, still in the business at the same old stand, for another 14 months and change, baby. And don't think I won't react if someone tries any funny business with Bradley, or Bush, for that matter. All these pinhead pundits write about me being a lame duck and all.
Those idiots don't know the first thing about getting the people on your side. I do that better than anybody in politics today. That ''Clinton fatigue'' crowd keeps writing about Lewinsky and impeachment and all that. They don't know squat about how I operate. I've got the people behind me because I deliver, baby. I'm the Mailman in this league. I'm the Man when it comes to giving them what they want.
God, those Republicans running Congress are so dumb. Sure, fellas, go ahead, shut down the government! Hey, why not trash Social Security? What morons those guys are. It's hard for me to keep a straight face when they come in here. Trent Lott and his freshly starched white shirts. That Ole Miss frat boy just doesn't get it. And Denny Hastert? Please. He can't deliver his own caucus, never mind 51 percent of the House.
I get China under the tent of the World Trade Organization, and Old Trent can't handle it. I knew he was a no-hoper during impeachment. He just doesn't have what it takes to tell his own crowd when to shut up and take the deal. Just like the Kosovo bombing campaign: Lott can't take the heat for a tough call.
Well, it's almost time for me to roll up my sleeves and haul this Gore applecart out of the ditch. I just wish he'd be less touchy about listening to me. After what we've been through, Hillary and me, we can just about handle anything. If you know anything about me, you know I'll do what it takes to win. And that goes double for the first lady. Those people writing us off, like I'm dead meat and she's some cream puff, they don't have a clue. The reason we're here is because we know what it takes, and we've got what it takes.
David Nyhan is a Globe columnist.
