.`Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to Fenway Park and the 1999 All Star game for presidential candidates of both leagues. Joe?''
''Ned, the old park is packed for a display of the top talent from all of presidential politics. Let's do the lineups.
''Batting leadoff for the Republicans is the scrappy little rookie, Gary Bauer. Like all of the Republicans in this year's lineup, Gary bats right, throws right, leans right, thinks right, and dresses right. He's never been in the Big Show before this, so we'll be watching for signs of rookie stage fright.
''Right behind Bauer is the veteran Tennesseean, Lamar Alexander, in the plaid uniform. Lamar was up for a cup of coffee in the previous contest but was sent down in the middle of primary season.
''Hitting third is the Beltway Basher, Pat Buchanan. Pat's struggled a bit this season compared with his strong early showing last time, winning the New Hampshire primary. But he came down with a recurrence of that pesky knee injury which kept him out of the military during Vietnam.''
''Batting cleanup in the GOP order is the hottest hitter in campaign fund-raising, George W. Bush of the Texas ballclub. In the cash-lifting contest featuring all the All Stars, George lifted $36.4 million, three times as much as his nearest competitor. That was a new record, Joe, and marks young George as the man to watch.''
''You said it, Ned. But young George has never faced the kind of pitching he's going to see this time around. We know he can hit the fastball. But can he hit the curveball?''
''Right now, we pause for the singing of the National Anthem by Elizabeth Dole. She's doing one of her patented walk-arounds out in the bleachers. Oops, it looks like one of the fans has stolen her microphone. I see several of Boston's finest chasing a man carrying a microphone down the right field stairwell.''
''While we wait for a new microphone, let's mention that this broadcast is authorized by the owner of Major League Baseball, Steve Forbes, whom all of us here in radioland call `Boss.' Mr. Forbes purchased the rights to the national pastime, which he describes as a fall-back position in case his bid to purchase the presidency falls through again.''
''Back to the batting order. Bush in cleanup is followed by John McCain, the classy Arizonan who missed several seasons when he was called away to military service. Despite some injuries suffered when his Navy jet was shot down, McCain recuperated after a long convalescence and his now back stroking the ball with more authority than anyone in the game right now.
''Ned, McCain seems to be seeing the ball real well, because no matter what they throw at him - Kosovo, the tobacco thing, telecommunications reform, you name it - McCain just keeps knocking that old horsehide right outta the park.''
''I couldn't agree more, Joe. When it comes to keeping his eye on the ball, McCain is the class of his league. But at this level, the pitches are not always straight, and the press corps can just murder a guy who makes a mistake.''
''You said it, Ned. And the press box today is standing-room-only. Ever since the Clinton case, there's been a pack of reporters just hanging around trying to dig up dirt on everybody in the game today. Who's up after McCain?''
''Batting sixth is Dan Quayle, the Indiana potato-masher. Dan had a so-so year after four years in the vice presidency. He says he's worked on his swing and hopes he's ready to face some Major League pitching.
''Next up is John Kasich, a rookie from Ohio. He's the one wearing that funny-looking necktie over his baseball shirt. John plays a very safe-and-sound game of economics, figuring the angles and making sure he hits the cutoff man with throws from deep in the outfield. But his offense is a question mark. So far this year, he's not had a single homer. And his RBI number makes him a little suspect.''
''In No. 8 is Alan Keyes, a former radio broadcaster. Not much is known about Alan's game, but they say he comes to play, even though he doesn't get many at-bats.''
''Batting ninth is a latecomer to the squad who just named himself the other day. That would be the lanky outfielder from Utah, Orrin Hatch. He's not been in the news much this season, but they say that in committee he's murder on left-handed hitting Democrats.''
''Ned, who's that big fella sitting on the GOP bench, with his cap on backwards?''
''That'd be Bob Smith, the spare catcher, like his idol Carlton Fisk a Granite Stater, who donned the tools of ignorance and tried to make it as a backstop. Bob is bolting the Republican club and trying to start his own league. But we understand he's having trouble finding anyone to bolt with him.''
''What about the opposition? How come the Democrats have only two players dressed?''
''Joe, the Democrats decided not to field a full team. They've got Al Gore pitching, catching, and playing the infield, with Big Bill Bradley, the old New York Knick, playing all three outfield spots. That gives new a whole new meaning to the term `running for president.'''
David Nyhan is a Globe columnist.
