Wedding Budget
Before the dawning of our more egalitarian age of matrimony, those seeking advice on wedding financing would typically have encountered views such as those of the editors of The Bride's Magazine, circa 1967: "When it comes to wedding expenses, the rules of etiquette are very clear. They do not allow the groom's family to assume any of the financial responsibilities of the bride (or vice versa), no matter how disparate their resources may be."
Times have most definitely changed, according to two Boston-area wedding planners. Meg Holland of Events Unlimited Inc. and Victoria Ames of The Wedding Beautiful both say that the trend toward less rule-bound wedding budgeting has been evident throughout the last decade. Although the bride's family still tends to shoulder a greater share of cost in many weddings, there is no longer a rigid social code about the division of expenses.
"Flexibility is what characterizes the '90s," says Holland. "Many more couples are established now when they get married, so they're in a position to contribute to the budget, too."
Budgeting is potentially one of the most fraught issues in planning a wedding, since it can involve many different people, each with their own idea of what constitutes a great occasion. For the engaged couple, balancing their nuptial desires with some degree of financial realism can be challenge enough. When combined with the need to diplomatically address the expectations of both sets of contributing parents, and perhaps even step-parents and extended family, the pressure can quickly build.
Tales of familial meltdown during wedding planning are legion, but the experts argue that it doesn't have to be this way. Victoria Ames advises couples to get practical immediately: "Budget drives everything, and it should be one of the very first areas discussed between you after an engagement."
Before involving others, the couple should agree on central issues such as wedding size, style and the degree of religious and cultural tradition in the ceremony. If the engaged couple remain sensitive and realistic about their resources, have done some research on costs and are unified in their views of what constitutes a memorable wedding for them, then family discussions have a solid place to begin.
The ideal scenario for a financial discussion, says Meg Holland, is when everyone involved is "on the same page... wanting the couple to be happy and have a great event." The worst is when "money is used in a political way," to control aspects of the wedding. She urges honest dialogue between all the parties from day one, as does Victoria Ames: "There are definitely far fewer problems if there is clear communication before any contracts are signed or any money is paid out."
Traditional cost divisions can come in handy as general guidelines during negotiation time, since they list most of the major costs and give the families a neutral beginning from which to discuss matters. Allowing for regional and cultural differences, here is a basic breakdown of responsibilities:
Bride and family:
- Bride's blood test
- Engagement photo and party
- Wedding announcements
- Consultant services
- Invitations and stationery
- Bride's wedding clothes
- Groom's wedding ring and gift
- Bridesmaids' gifts, meals and accommodation
- Photographs/videotaping
- Flowers (also see groom's list)
- Ceremony: site, officiant's fee, music, carpet, transport both ways for wedding party
- Entire reception: hall, food and drink, decor,
music, servers, etc.
Groom and his family:
- Bride's rings and gift
- Groom's blood test and medical exam
- Marriage license
- Rehearsal dinner
- Groom's wedding clothes
- Accessories (boutonnieres, gloves, ties), gifts and accommodation for ushers
- Bride's bouquet and going-away corsage
- Corsages for mothers and grandmothers
- Honeymoon
Obviously, if the wedding is a smaller or more casually creative event, many of those categories will not matter. In a situation where the bride and groom have well-paying jobs, an established household, or are entering their second marriage, parents may not be expected to contribute. And even in the case of a traditional wedding, if the groom's uncle is a florist, or the bride's mother is retired widow, it only makes sense to reconfigure costs appropriately.
Maintaining common sense and mutual respect should prevent any early interfamilial faux pas, but it's important for everyone to keep the happiness of the bride and groom as a guiding principle.
"This may sound funny coming from a wedding planner," confides Meg Holland," but I always advise people not to go into debt for a wedding, and not to lose perspective, because ultimately, the marriage is more important than the wedding. These people are all going to remain in your life after the day is over, and it's definitely best to keep communication happy and open for the future."
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